Fernando estuvo todo el día extraviado en el campo, que es un gran desierto de miles de kilómetros cuadrados. El sol del mediodía le abría el cráneo. Caminó por varias horas, era difícil saber cuantas. Cuando se expone el cuerpo al sol de la Patagonia uno se arriesga, no sólo a la deshidratación, sino también a perder las funciones de razonamiento básicas y hacer alguna estupidez que será, finalmente, la última que cometamos. Se sabe de muchos que caminaron los cerros de la zona y que se perdieron. Sin agua bajo el sol o sin ropas abrigadas de noche, no hay nada que hacer. El desierto no perdona.
Caminaba entre las matas, cortándose las ropas con las espinas de los calafates y uñas de gato, las únicas plantas capaces de sobrevivir en ese infierno.
Arriba, el sol parecía estar en un lugar y luego en el opuesto. Cada vez más brillante. Había tanta luz que no se veía casi nada. Solamente una gran mancha blanquecina. Siguió caminando hasta la ladera de un cerro, desde ahí podría ver la ciudad. Una parte caminando, otra gateando, fue subiendo por la arena. Los cortes en brazos y manos ya no eran notados.
Luego de un momento llegó a la parte alta del cerro y pudo ver hacia el este, o lo que él creía que era el este; una gran cantidad de cerros y manchas amarillas. Algunas marcas en el horizonte que podían ser un camino y no más que eso. Comodoro no se veía. Estaba en algún lugar del campo, sin referencias, sin agua, sin auto.
Cayó en la arena y cerró los ojos. Necesitaba descansar. Debía pensar. Cuando venía en el auto vio algunas estaciones de extracción de petróleo, quizás podía encontrar una. Todas las estaciones de bombeo tienen cañerías con agua…quizás.
Escuchaba el viento entre las matas, silbando. Podía sentir ese olor tan característico de las plantas del desierto patagónico y el sonido de algún ave. Se recostó boca arriba para estar más cómodo. Ahí estaba el cielo azul y el espantoso sol que lo quemaba a cuarenta grados y lo miraba con su único ojo. Se preguntó si Comodoro realmente existía, si los chicos y Celeste de verdad estaban en algún lugar. Acaso lo único que existía en el mundo era el cielo azul y el sol indiferente. Sentía a todo el desierto girando en su cabeza.
Luego de unas horas acostado bajo el sol, el suelo arenoso se sintió cada vez más cómodo, no era una mala idea dormir un momento. Más tarde habría tiempo de caminar y pensar. Estuvo ahí por algún tiempo, sintiendo la brisa ardiente en su cara seca y la sangre corriendo por sus brazos.
Entonces, dejó de sentir dolor y el sol no quemaba. Se dijo con un hilo de voz:
-Me voy a morir acá. En el desierto, rodeado de matas y lagartijas.
-Vas a vivir hasta el año 2006. ¿Te parece un buen año?-
Fernando miró al costado y vio a un cascarudo. Un escarabajo negro que habita el desierto. Ya no escuchaba al viento, solamente oyó la voz grave y profunda.
-¿Pensás que vas a poder hacer lo que querés hasta ese momento, Fernando?-
Fernando lo miraba, sopesó la pregunta y a quien la formuló. No solamente el viento había dejado de soplar, no había sonidos de aves. El sol tampoco resultaba molesto a los ojos. Tal vez había muerto, o quizás estaba soñando. De todas formas contestó:
-Creo que no hay posibilidades de regatear el tiempo que tengo.-Dijo Fernando.-Solamente me estás informando, no preguntando. ¿Verdad?-
-Siempre fuiste muy inteligente. El día que naciste, no habían pasado dos horas y ya levantabas la cabeza desde la sala de recién nacidos. Ya eras curioso. Esa es la máxima cualidad en una persona. Todo lo demás viene después. Ser curioso te hace dar cuenta de todo de lo que no sabes. Te hace saber que sos ignorante. Y todos somos unos ignorantes y tontos. La diferencia está en que algunos encuentran caminos hacia la luz y otros simplemente se quedan ahí. Aunque nunca se llegue, lo que importa es el camino-
-Muchas veces me pregunté que sentido tiene. Que diferencia hay entre vivir comiendo y durmiendo como cualquier animal a entender un poco más lo que sucede alrededor de nosotros. De todas formas seguimos en el mismo lugar y nos dirigimos al mismo final.-
-Cuando pensás mucho sobre un tema importante, si lo hacés bien, si analizás bien…no vas a encontrar nada. Yo no he encontrado nada y lo pienso hace mucho. Si llegás a hallar una respuesta que yo no…me avisás. Eso sería algo. Ustedes siempre van encontrando cosas.-
-A veces pienso eso, que no hay un sentido en nada, que no nacemos para algo. Llegamos acá por una acumulación de accidentes. Estamos, pero también podríamos no estar. Y el universo no sería muy distinto con nuestra ausencia.-
-Si creés que nada tiene un sentido final, que nada ha sido planeado o que las personas son insignificantes para el universo…bien, tenés toda la razón. Pero el sólo hecho de que puedas plantearte esa pregunta cambia algo. Depende desde donde lo mires. Si te ubicás afuera del todo para entenderlo, entonces todo da igual, podés hacer cualquier cosa y no es buena ni mala. Solamente son cosas. Porque si podés hacer eso, entonces ves al universo como lo ve Dios, y Dios no tiene remordimientos. Él hace y deshace y duerme como un ángel.-
-Vos sos un cascarudo. ¿Cómo puedo confiar en tu palabra?-
-No importa quien sea yo, importa lo que te digo. Además, tampoco interesa demasiado lo que escuches de mí, solamente si querés creer. Y lo necesitás. Porque tenés muchas cosas para hacer y te frenan unos prejuicios baratos mas dignos de un perro que de un hombre.-
-¿Es un prejuicio barato no querer matar a alguien?-
-Es un prejuicio barato no hacer lo que de verdad querés hacer por miedo. ¿De verdad te importa lo que le pase a un desconocido? ¿O en realidad no sabés que vos sos el único que le puede dar un poco de luz a este pueblo muerto? Si todos se detuvieran a pensar en las posibles consecuencias negativas de sus actos…entonces todavía seguirían viviendo en cuevas. Y eso, amigo Fernando…es lo que has hecho toda tu vida…vivir en una cueva. ¿Cuándo pensás salir? La arena de tu reloj sigue cayendo.-
Fernando vio que el sol estaba cerca de los cerros. En una hora iba a ser de noche, entonces la temperatura sería peligrosamente baja.
-No se si voy a tener fuerzas para llegar a ese camino. Es la única esperanza que tengo.
-Hay cosas que deben ser hechas y el tiempo no se detiene por nadie. Tus prioridades deben ser claras. Tenés que consumir cualquier caloría que te sea posible y empezar a caminar.-
Fernando quedó mirando al pequeño coleóptero.
-¿Te tendría que comer a vos?-Titubeó.
-¿No escuchaste nada de lo que te dije? ¡Coméme! El sol esta cayendo, acordáte, no hay cosas buenas o malas, solamente cosas.-
Fernando agarró al insecto gordo y se lo puso en la boca. Fue difícil, pero lo pudo masticar y tragar. Se puso de pie. Otra vez empezó a sentir la brisa del campo. Esta vez era fresca. Movió primero un pié, luego el otro. En un momento estaba caminando hacia la ruta. Una o dos veces cayó al suelo arenoso. Se levantó y siguió. Los dolores ahora eran muy reales.
Llegó cuando el sol ya había caído. Se sentó en medio del pavimento y se puso a esperar. Esperar a un auto o a la muerte por frío. En ese momento ambas eran bienvenidas.
Luego de una o dos horas, un par de luces aparecieron por detrás de los cerros, empezaron a desacelerar y se detuvieron frente al exhausto Fernando.-
*********
Parte del libro “Lluvia de arena” marzo 23, 2009
miércoles, 25 de marzo de 2009
Labyrinth of sands
Fernando was the whole day missing in the fields; witch is a big desert of thousands of squared kilometers. Midday sun was opening his skull. He walked for several hours, it wasn’t easy to know how many. When you are under the Patagonian sun, you risk your self not only to dehydration but also to loose the basic thinking abilities and to do some stupidity that will be last one. It’s known that some people went to outskirts, for a walk or who knows why, for getting missed later. Without water under that sun or thick clothes at night, there’s nothing to do. Desert doesn’t forgive.
He was walking among the bushes, tearing his clothes apart with prickles from calafates and uñas de gato, some of the few plants able to survive in that hell.
Up there, sun seem to be in one place and then in the other side. It was shiner every time and with so much light that he couldn’t see almost anything but some white steins. He kept on walking until the side of a hill, from there; he expected to see the city. A part of the way he was walking and the other crawling. By then he didn’t notice the cuttings in his arms and hands.
After a moment he reached the top of the hill and he watched towards east, or where he thought it was east. There were just more hills, sand and yellow steins. Some marks in the horizon that could be a road or route, but nothing more than that. Comodoro wasn’t there. He was lost somewhere in the fields, without a car or water and a temperature of more than forty degrees. It wasn’t good.
He fell on the sands and closed his eyes. He needed some rest and to think. When he was coming by car he saw some petrol pits in the way. He could find one, because it’s known they have water pipes…maybe.
The wind was blowing among the bushes. He could feel that particular smell from countryside. A bird was singing. He laid back to be more comfortable. The big blue sky was there and the terrifying sun, watching him with its only eye. He wondered if Comodoro really existed, if kids and Celeste were in a real place or only in his mind. Perhaps all what were left in world was the big blue sky and the indifferent sun that he felt moving in circles in front of his face.
After some hours lying on the burning sand, the ground felt better, it wasn’t a bad idea anymore to sleep for a while. It would be time later for walking and thinking. He stayed there for some minutes, feeling the hot breeze on his face and blood running from arms.
Then he stopped feeling pain and sun wasn’t burning anymore. He said with a faint voice:
-I’m going to die here, in this desert, surrounded by bushes and lizards.
-You are going to live until the year 2006. Is that good enough for you?
Fernando looked at his side and saw a cascarudo, a black beetle from the desert. He couldn’t hear wind anymore, just the dark and deep voice.
-You think you will have time enough to do all what you want to do until then, Fernando?-
Fernando was staring at it and thinking about the offer and the one who said it. Not only wind stopped, also birds were silent. Sun didn’t bother to look anymore. The whole situation was unreal, like in a dream or maybe like in death. Anyway he answered:
-I think there isn’t any chance of bargaining about my time.-Said Fernando.-I’m been just informed not asked, right?-
-You were always smart. The day you were born, only a couple of hours later you were raising your head, trying to see around. You were already curious, that’s the best quality on a person. All the rest comes later. To be curious makes you understand about all what you don’t know. It makes you know you are an ignorant and we all are ignorant and stupid. The difference is that some people can find ways towards light and the rest just stays there. Even if you can’t never find the end, what matters is the way.-
-I wonder about that many times. What’s the point? What’s the difference between living eating and sleeping like any other animal and understanding a bit more? Just for knowing what’s around us. Anyway we stay in the same place and we go to the same end.-
-When you think intensely about some important subject, if you do it well…you will find nothing at the end. I haven’t found anything and I’ve been thinking since a long time. If you found any answer that I didn’t…then tell me. That would be something. You always find things.-
-Sometimes I think that, there’s no sense on anything, that we don’t have any reason for being here. We born for a series of accidents. We are here but we couldn’t also not be and universe wouldn’t be different with our absence.-
-If you think that anything has a final significance, that anything was planned or that people are meaningless for universe…well, you are completely right. But the mare fact that you make your self these questions, changes something, you are adding something. It depends where you look at things from. If you put yourself outside of everything to understand it, then it’s all the same. Anything is good or bad, because if you can do that, then you would see universe as God sees it. And God doesn’t have any remorse. He does and undoes and then later sleeps like an angel.-
-You are a cascarudo. How can I trust in anything you say?-
-Who cares what the fuck I am? What’s matters here it’s what I’m saying. In fact, it’s not so important either what you hear from me, what’s important is what you believe, what you truly believe. And you need to believe. You have a lot of things to do that are not done because a bunch of stupid prejudices, belonging more to a dog than to a man.-
-It’s a stupid prejudice to not want to kill a man?-
-it’s a stupid prejudice not to do what you really want to do because of fear! Do you really care what happens to a stranger? Can’t you see that you are the only one who can give some light to this dead town? If everybody cared so much about possible negative effects on their acts, then humans would still be on caves. And that, my friend Fernando…it’s what you have been doing all your life…to live in a cave. When do you plan to leave it? The sand of your clock keeps on falling.-
Fernando saw the sun, almost reaching the hills. In one hour or so, it would be night, and then temperature would go down in a dangerous way.
-I don’t know if I will have strengths enough to reach that road. It’s my only chance.-
-There are things that must be done and time doesn’t stop. Your priorities must be clear. You have to eat anything you can and start walking now.-
Fernando was looking at the black beetle.
-I should have to eat you.-Staggered Fernando.
-Didn’t you pay attention to anything what I said? Eat me! Sun is coming down, remember, there aren’t good or bad things, just things.-
Fernando took the fat insect and put it in his mouth. It wasn’t easy but he chewed it and swallowed it. He got up slowly. He felt again the breeze from fields, this time colder. He first moved a foot, then the other. In a moment he was walking towards the lane. Once or twice he fell to the ground, he got up and continued. Pains were very real now.
He reached the road when sun was already hidden. He sat down on it and began to wait. He was waiting for a car of for death. Both of them were welcome in that moment.
After one hour, a couple of lights appeared between the hills. Then they came closer and stopped in front of the sleeping Fernando.-
Part of the book “Raining dust” march, 2009
He was walking among the bushes, tearing his clothes apart with prickles from calafates and uñas de gato, some of the few plants able to survive in that hell.
Up there, sun seem to be in one place and then in the other side. It was shiner every time and with so much light that he couldn’t see almost anything but some white steins. He kept on walking until the side of a hill, from there; he expected to see the city. A part of the way he was walking and the other crawling. By then he didn’t notice the cuttings in his arms and hands.
After a moment he reached the top of the hill and he watched towards east, or where he thought it was east. There were just more hills, sand and yellow steins. Some marks in the horizon that could be a road or route, but nothing more than that. Comodoro wasn’t there. He was lost somewhere in the fields, without a car or water and a temperature of more than forty degrees. It wasn’t good.
He fell on the sands and closed his eyes. He needed some rest and to think. When he was coming by car he saw some petrol pits in the way. He could find one, because it’s known they have water pipes…maybe.
The wind was blowing among the bushes. He could feel that particular smell from countryside. A bird was singing. He laid back to be more comfortable. The big blue sky was there and the terrifying sun, watching him with its only eye. He wondered if Comodoro really existed, if kids and Celeste were in a real place or only in his mind. Perhaps all what were left in world was the big blue sky and the indifferent sun that he felt moving in circles in front of his face.
After some hours lying on the burning sand, the ground felt better, it wasn’t a bad idea anymore to sleep for a while. It would be time later for walking and thinking. He stayed there for some minutes, feeling the hot breeze on his face and blood running from arms.
Then he stopped feeling pain and sun wasn’t burning anymore. He said with a faint voice:
-I’m going to die here, in this desert, surrounded by bushes and lizards.
-You are going to live until the year 2006. Is that good enough for you?
Fernando looked at his side and saw a cascarudo, a black beetle from the desert. He couldn’t hear wind anymore, just the dark and deep voice.
-You think you will have time enough to do all what you want to do until then, Fernando?-
Fernando was staring at it and thinking about the offer and the one who said it. Not only wind stopped, also birds were silent. Sun didn’t bother to look anymore. The whole situation was unreal, like in a dream or maybe like in death. Anyway he answered:
-I think there isn’t any chance of bargaining about my time.-Said Fernando.-I’m been just informed not asked, right?-
-You were always smart. The day you were born, only a couple of hours later you were raising your head, trying to see around. You were already curious, that’s the best quality on a person. All the rest comes later. To be curious makes you understand about all what you don’t know. It makes you know you are an ignorant and we all are ignorant and stupid. The difference is that some people can find ways towards light and the rest just stays there. Even if you can’t never find the end, what matters is the way.-
-I wonder about that many times. What’s the point? What’s the difference between living eating and sleeping like any other animal and understanding a bit more? Just for knowing what’s around us. Anyway we stay in the same place and we go to the same end.-
-When you think intensely about some important subject, if you do it well…you will find nothing at the end. I haven’t found anything and I’ve been thinking since a long time. If you found any answer that I didn’t…then tell me. That would be something. You always find things.-
-Sometimes I think that, there’s no sense on anything, that we don’t have any reason for being here. We born for a series of accidents. We are here but we couldn’t also not be and universe wouldn’t be different with our absence.-
-If you think that anything has a final significance, that anything was planned or that people are meaningless for universe…well, you are completely right. But the mare fact that you make your self these questions, changes something, you are adding something. It depends where you look at things from. If you put yourself outside of everything to understand it, then it’s all the same. Anything is good or bad, because if you can do that, then you would see universe as God sees it. And God doesn’t have any remorse. He does and undoes and then later sleeps like an angel.-
-You are a cascarudo. How can I trust in anything you say?-
-Who cares what the fuck I am? What’s matters here it’s what I’m saying. In fact, it’s not so important either what you hear from me, what’s important is what you believe, what you truly believe. And you need to believe. You have a lot of things to do that are not done because a bunch of stupid prejudices, belonging more to a dog than to a man.-
-It’s a stupid prejudice to not want to kill a man?-
-it’s a stupid prejudice not to do what you really want to do because of fear! Do you really care what happens to a stranger? Can’t you see that you are the only one who can give some light to this dead town? If everybody cared so much about possible negative effects on their acts, then humans would still be on caves. And that, my friend Fernando…it’s what you have been doing all your life…to live in a cave. When do you plan to leave it? The sand of your clock keeps on falling.-
Fernando saw the sun, almost reaching the hills. In one hour or so, it would be night, and then temperature would go down in a dangerous way.
-I don’t know if I will have strengths enough to reach that road. It’s my only chance.-
-There are things that must be done and time doesn’t stop. Your priorities must be clear. You have to eat anything you can and start walking now.-
Fernando was looking at the black beetle.
-I should have to eat you.-Staggered Fernando.
-Didn’t you pay attention to anything what I said? Eat me! Sun is coming down, remember, there aren’t good or bad things, just things.-
Fernando took the fat insect and put it in his mouth. It wasn’t easy but he chewed it and swallowed it. He got up slowly. He felt again the breeze from fields, this time colder. He first moved a foot, then the other. In a moment he was walking towards the lane. Once or twice he fell to the ground, he got up and continued. Pains were very real now.
He reached the road when sun was already hidden. He sat down on it and began to wait. He was waiting for a car of for death. Both of them were welcome in that moment.
After one hour, a couple of lights appeared between the hills. Then they came closer and stopped in front of the sleeping Fernando.-
Part of the book “Raining dust” march, 2009
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